


heavy in your arms

by zauberer_sirin



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Coulson is an oblivious fool, Coulson thinks Skye is the best thing since sliced bread, Coulson's canonical meltdown, Episode Tag, F/M, Fitz feels, Grant Ward is a duplicitous lowlife, Gunshot Wounds, John Garrett mentions, May and her mission, May loves Skye, Pain, Realization, Skye and Coulson basically share a brain, alternating povs, but it had to be done, everybody is a shipper on deck, introspective crap, it's hard being Jemma Simmons, just an excuse for shippiness really, possessive creepy Ward, quick fic, revisiting this episode because why not, the team loves Skye, the world is unfair to Skye, this episode destroyed me, trying to write from Ward's pov felt very creepy ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 03:29:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2135397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauberer_sirin/pseuds/zauberer_sirin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's time to play the Blame Game and Coulson is the one winning. Or losing, he's not sure.</p>
<p>(Episode 1x13 "T.R.A.C.K.S." as seen from the pov of every member of the team)</p>
            </blockquote>





	heavy in your arms

**SKYE**

Nobody tells you how much a bullet wound hurts.

They forgot to put that in the SHIELD manual.

(she should know, she's only it read like a trillion times)

Nobody could ever be close to explaining how much _two_ bullet wounds hurt.

First of all nobody explains about _the heat_. Bullets burn, scorch, and you can feel them inside the body, which on top of being horrible is really creepy-

oh god she can feel

muscle

tearing

every

nerve end

aching

warm

blood

cold

everything else

that's just

no

she has to get up and – 

And it's probably her fault.

No.

It's not.

She had to do this.

They can put as many bullets inside of her as they want  
(and fuck, that hurts)  
but she will always walk into Italian villas owned by dangerous assholes like she did today.

Well, they don't always have to _Italian_ , she guesses.

It was reckless, sure.

She is not contesting that.

(she's in no position to contest anything, her position being that of bleeding on the floor, ha ha)

But they had to catch Quinn. It was not just the connection to Coulson's kidnapping. Quinn had caused the death of a young man and ruined the life of another. He had to be stopped or more people could get hurt. That's what they were talking about, her and Coulson, during those two days she spent holed up, working.

She was so eager for this mission to start and suddenly she misses the calm of the preparations, even though it frustrated her at the time, the lack of sleep, the rush of righteousness when she and Coulson discussed how Quinn manipulated those two boys and Coulson lamented that SHIELD's educational structure had made it easier than it should have been. SHIELD should have protected those kids, not push them into the arms of someone like Quinn. Coulson told her how it was when he went in the Academy, when he was in Ops, and how the model had become more competitive in the years since he had left it.

She has to fix this.

She can't die here because she would miss talking with Coulson at two in the morning about things that really matter – that's all she ever wanted, all her life, to talk about things that matter, and SHIELD has given her the chance, she's not going to give that up so easily.

She can't die here.

She absolutely can't.

It's too unfair. Not _now_. There are so many things she has left to do. So many things left to say.

This much blood smells horrible, nobody ever tells you that either.

She thinks she could be sick but it would take too much energy.

You asshole, I really liked this blouse, she thinks.

_Now_ she is definitely going to take Quinn down.

She can't die here because everyone would feel guilty and she can't be the cause of that: May and her tender protectiveness towards the team she thinks the rest don't notice, and Fitz would think it's his fault, for letting her go in the house (I got news for you, _mate_ , you couldn't have stopped me), and Simmons god she can't let Simmons feel guilty just because she is a doctor and she would think that there must have been something some miracle she could have done for Skye; and Ward would definitely blame himself as her S.O. tough secretly warm, quietly kind Ward she can't do that to him; and Coulson... Coulson more than anyone would blame himself for her death and Skye is very much never going to allow that to happen, ever.

Plus Coulson needs her. 

She knows the rest of the team loves him and would do anything for him but some times Skye thinks they just don't _notice_ him, that they don't notice the important things. She doesn't want to be arrogant – but hey, if you can't be arrogant at death's door then when can you? – but she believes the rest don't see Coulson the way she sees him. And Coulson needs to be seen like that. He might not know it and he might not appreciate it (though Skye kind of hopes he does) but he needs someone like her by his side.

That's the whole point of her dragging her body across the floor. That she has to get out of here and do the kind of stuff only her can do.

And Mike, god, _Mike_ , somebody has to tell the team Mike is alive, she can't die before telling Coulson, he would help Mike, he has always helped Mike, someone has to help Mike, she can't die before making sure somebody does. She has to help Mike.

She has to open that door.

She has to

has to

For a moment the pain in her abdomen doesn't let her think.

Jesus it hurts.

For a moment her hand won't work, won't reach that far.

If she can get the door open maybe she can scream for help

If she can scream for help maybe help will come.

(i heard your voice please hear mine)

The door is open.

She opens it.

(she can't feel the tips of her fingers at all)

But she can't scream.

It comes out a whisper.

Or a cry.

Softly, she thinks it's a cry.

She thinks

_Coulson_.

She thinks.

She feels like a silly, girly girl, but she believes it herself, that her cries for help are directed at Coulson. She knows why but right now any reason would do.

_I found you, I found you, please find me_.

Come on, A.C, she pleads.

(there are too many things left to say)

I'll stay alive until you come, I swear, she bargains. But you have to come for me.

But she's too weak.

Even with the door open her voice can't reach anyone.

Not even Coulson, she guesses, wherever he is.

( _where are you_ )

She stays with her back against the wall, feeling life seep out of her not in drops but in a constant flow.

warmth

leaving her

She know she's losing the battle. She can no longer move. She can't no longer feel.

She can no longer feel the pain.

That's bad, right? This is the first time in her life she gets shot but she thinks not feeling any pain must be really bad.

Does she hear something upstairs? She can't tell, her senses are going, one by one.

She can't see (she closed her eyes some time ago) and she can't hear.

(but she thinks she hears a familiar voice)

But she can feel a presence.

She can feel a sudden presence in the room with her.

She can feel.

She's almost void of consciousness but she still can feel this.

There's someone definitely here, she can feel warm hands (or maybe she's too cold), a warm body besides her.

Someone is holding her in their arms.

Skye doesn't know who.

(but somebody is telling her to hold on

she thinks she knows that voice

she thinks she might just do as it says)

 

**FITZ**

He'd been so scared.

In a way he had been relieved that Skye wanted to go inside the house and he could be left disabling the cars.

He had been terrified but of the two options it had been the less paralyzing to him.

And Skye giving the orders... she had seemed so sure of it, sure of everything, Fitz had felt a tinge of courage just from looking at that resolved glance of hers. He had thought she was brave then, he had admired her, but maybe she was just being reckless.

And now – 

It's probably his fault. 

It's totally his fault. Isn't it? Is it?

He should have never let her go alone.

He did what he could to keep a cool head, afterwards. That's important, he thinks.

He was grateful at being told what to do.

He was quick helping Simmons with the hyperbaric chamber. He could do that. He could ignore hot tears running through his cheeks and focus on the machine.

He was thinking it could be him in that chamber. He was thinking he would have been shot too, if he had gone inside the house with Skye. Small comfort, he thinks he would feel better if he had been shot. Then he thinks he knows nothing about that. He hopes Skye is not in a lot of pain. ( _Pain is good_ , Simmons used to say when trying to explain some medical nonsense, _pain is how we know some things are still working_ ). Is Skye still working? Coulson said their job was the safest one, stay behind with the luggage and track the package. Just that, track it. And Skye had been acting weird ever since they visited the Academy – he hadn't noticed until she began to ask questions about the 0-8-4, it wasn't like Skye. She had looked almost apprehensive. Fitz should have asked about that back in the train.

He should have done many things differently.

He remembers Skye's silly attempt at a Scottish accent and that's going to make him cry again.

It was so nice then.

Pretend girlfriend.

That was nice.

He enjoyed that bit.

And then everything went to hell.

Simmons and Coulson came out of that basement with blood-stained hands.

Fitz preferred when everything was hectic and they were all trying to help one way or another. 

Now everything is still, after the rush of moving Skye into the plane.

Now everything is still and there's no comfort in May's non expression anymore; and Agent Coulson looks like a zombie and Ward looks like he is going to punch something.

And Simmons – 

Simmons walks away, and he follows.

The plane is eerily quiet.

He follows.

It's the easiest moment he's had since he stepped out of that train; holding Simmons. It's like he doesn't matter anymore, like he doesn't exist, like he's not a coward and it's not his fault. There's only Jemma's desperate sobbing, there's nothing else outside this supplies closet, this moment – there's no half-dead Skye and no uncertain future and no team and no blame.

Just this.

 

**SIMMONS**

She has to be quicker, stronger, better.

Her hands.

She has to command her hands to do a better job.

Last time a teenager died in those hands; the time before that man almost died because she couldn't bring herself to shove her hands into his chest.

This time will be different.

This time she will be quicker, stronger, better.

She has to be.

If she isn't...

If she had been with them, with Fitz and Skye, instead of unconscious in a train car, she could have done someting earlier. Why did Skye move? She saw the trail of blood from where she had been shot to the door. She had dragged herself. So much blood. She hates that she could calculate how much, what it meant, the heavy metallic scent down there, mixed with wood and stale air. Skye shouldn't have moved. What was she thinking? Skye always doing things her own way, she is so frustrating, seriously. She only made the bleeding worse. She is going to have to have a serious talk with Skye when she wakes up.

When she wakes up – 

_When_?

Even she isn't that naive.

And she is really bad at lying. (today of all days)

She has to be quicker, stronger, better.

Or else what is the point of her?

The team trust that they'd be safe in her hands.

If they aren't what is the point of her anymore.

If Skye dies then she is a failure.

If Skye dies it doesn't matter whether she's a failure or not.

If Skye dies...

(she hates that she knows the statistics and has calculated the odds – what are the odds of the bullets not having perforated the stomach, that's the only question here, the Schrödinger's bullet that will keep Skye dead and alive for a while)

She thought that's the only thing that mattered, not being a failure.

She was wrong.

She thought she wanted to be on the field, like a real agent.

If this is the price to pay – the blood of her friend – she would like to go back to the lab now, very much, thank you.

She explains the situation to Coulson, and though she can't really tell him the whole truth (he doesn't look like he could stand it and in all honesty Simmons couldn't stand to tell him either) she is not lying either. She speaks but knows he's not listening. She promises she will do everything to keep Skye alive. Coulson cannot hear her. She doubts he can hear anything at all, as he is right now. He's exhibiting all the symptoms of a shock state. She knows she should take care of that, but she can't bring herself to think about anything else but Skye and Skye's blood in her hands. She can't bring herself to _care_. She'll worry about Agent Coulson later. Or she won't. She just has to wipe away the blood. And keep Skye alive. And wipe away her blood. Skye's blood. Skye's – 

She feels Fitz's arms around her.

They don't bring any comfort but they offer an excuse to break down.

She falls and lets herself be held.

The familiar scent enveloping her.

She has to be quicker, stronger, _better_.

 

**MAY**

She told Coulson they could handle themselves.

She wasn't lying then.

Coulson knew that.

She's proud of her team.

She knows how much Coulson trusts them, all of them. She knows how much he trusts Skye, how far he would push her. He's pushed her too far this time. May can't blame him but she wouldn't have made many of the choices Coulson has made regarding Skye, that goes without saying. If it was for her Skye wouldn't even be in the Bus today. She would be somewhere else, kicked off another home again, on her own again, probably _safe_. There's a strange comfort in that.

Not that she can talk about wrong decisions.

She should have been more suspicious of Russo. She should have found a way to stay in the train. She should have been quicker and not let herself be captured. She should have kept them all safe. That's why she's here. 

(she's supposed to be here for Coulson, she reminds herself, but at some point that wasn't enough)

She's been making the wrong calls all day.

With the mission, _with Ward_.

"Blaming yourself won't help her."

She feels guilty about this, holding Ward's hand and feeling relieved by the fact that she can offer some comfort, and for a moment she forgets about the protocols she's supposed to be heeding, and about her real mission, and about the wall she's meant to mantain. She doesn't want to keep Ward out anymore, she never did. This has never been something as simple as an affair. And this, this moment is all Ward has been wanting, after all – and she knew, she knew he wanted in and she had closed the door on his face, time and again. Not now. He needs her. And she needs him as well.

"I'm not blaming myself."

Her gaze travels to the unmoving unfeeling shape behind the lab doors.

Of course Ward would blame Coulson.

( _if you are looking for someone to blame, look at him_ , that worm Russo's words come back to her now and she could agree in theory but hearing it in Ward's voice is a slap on the face)

It's a shock but part of her knows it won't last. She knows Grant Ward. He'll be loyal and with a bit of time he'll learn to accept no one was to blame except the person who pulled the trigger.

She holds on to this belief.

If Quinn is the only responsible she's not to blame. If Quinn is the only responsible Ward is not to blame. If Quinn is the only responsible Skye is not to blame. If Quinn is the only responsible Phil is not to blame.

She can feel the mantra working. And she can feel the guilt dissolving as she holds Ward's injured hand in hers. She knows Ward is not used to caring about the people around him, and he cares about Skye – May could have told him how dangerous that is, getting close, but then again, she is here, isn't she. Holding his hand. They made the same mistake. They are so ridiculously alike.

It's been all about mistakes today.

And Phil... she's never seen him like this. The way he behaved with Quinn. Not that she diapproves (he should have hit him harder) but she couldn't have imagined she'd see something like that. She knows he cares for the girl but this reaction is – baffling. He has lost people before. This is not the Phil she knows. May wonders if she has to worry about more than an emotional response to seeing someone he loves on the brink of death. This seems to uncharacteristic even for the new version of the man. She wonders if it's a sign, if she should be alarmed. But she can't think like that. She doesn't want to. Not _today_. Not when Skye is fighting for her life, with no idea May has been lying to her since they met. She wants a break. But her mission affords no breaks. 

The mission is part of her now. It's what she is.

She squeezes Ward's hand tighter.

 

**WARD**

Not her.

Not _her_.

Anyone but her.

This wasn't supposed to be like this.

"No bloodshed," John had said.

But then Skye had found Coulson before Garrett could extract any information from him.

They had forced John's hand.

Skye and Coulson.

They had ruined everything.

He knew Garrett had a Plan B, he always knew that. This is Plan B. Plan B is Skye shot. Plan B is that Ward had to walk down those stairs and find Skye bleeding, dying, and in Coulson's trembling arms. _Coulson_ put her here, not Garrett. He pushed her too hard. She wouldn't be here if Coulson hadn't put her on a warpath. She wouldn't be here if she didn't listen to Coulson so much. Coulson is weak, Skye is not, she's strong, she shouldn't have to be put into this situation because of him. Skye is better than that.

And then there is why Garrett chose her – 

"Blaming yourself won't help her," May tells him.

And she's holding his hand.

Good old Cavalry.

She always sucked at timing. Someone should tell her.

She chooses this moment to open up. Ward could laugh. Ward could laugh in her face. And it would feel good to let go too. He's so tired of this façade. All day he has had to take care of damage of control just because May told Coulson about them and that wasn't in the plan. He had to play the lovestruck moron who can't even say the word "sex" in front of his boss. He's so tired in general. Grant Ward, agent of SHIELD, is taking an emotional toll on him. It's not just Skye. But it's mainly her. He knows it's a weakness, but he can't stop it. Doesn't really want to stop it. It feels good, wanting something for once, letting himself want it, letting that feeling take over.

The rest of the job is just – gruelling.

Naive people running around until Coulson gets them all killed. And he will.

They are not bad people – Ward likes them, they could be good agents, under a decent leader.

He thought he liked Coulson too, that he was a good guy one could follow, but he's just a selfish, pathetic old man who has brought Skye down with him.

He liked Coulson but now he could never forgive him.

If he takes her away from him he could never forgive him.

"I'm not blaming myself," he says between his teeth, and lets it sink in. Because that's something Grant Ward, agent of SHIELD, would say, it's something May can understand, something that will make him even more vulnerable and trustworthy in her eyes because it shows that he _cares_.

It's also something he truly believes. That's the easiest part, when lie and truth align so well. 

If Coulson had cracked, or if he had died like he should have, he would be done with this mission.

Skye is not the one who is supposed to be dying.

It's too unfair.

(It's too unfair to him)

Not her. She's the only thing that's worth something in this place.

She's the only thing he values.

And now she might die. Now he might _lose_ her.

And it's not even Garrett's fault. He is pissed off with John of course and John will hear about it – no bloodshed – but Ward understands why he did it. Garrett could have picked anyone else, if he had thought it would work. Garrett is pragmatic if he's anything. He could have picked May, May is the one who is supposed to be Coulson's intimate friend, the logical choice. It didn't have to be Skye at all, the one lying lifeless in that chamber, It didn't have to be her. It didn't have to be _her_.

But it has to be her because John knows that Coulson is going to react to that. 

Because John has read the mission reports and he has listened to Ward asses the situation and John is smart and he knew what had to be done, he knew which buttons to push. That's his thing, after all. The Clairvoyant's thing.

It had to be Skye, after all.

It's Coulson's fault. This is on him.

He wasn't lying when he told May this felt personal.

If he loses her – 

If he loses the only thing he remembers ever wanting this much – 

Then he's not going to need Garrett's orders to take Coulson down.

Because he can't lose her.

Not now that he's found her.

 

**COULSON**

_She_ saved _you_. Why couldn't you save her?

She got to you in time. Why couldn't you get to her in time?

He was in the darkest place and Skye's voice and her hands and her smile brought him back. Her tears as well, but that was the one thing he never wanted. And now she's the one in the dark place and he can't reach, and he can feel the sting in his eyes – and it's not like his hands have helped, and now they are uselessly holding on to the chamber like it would stop working if he let go, and it's not like he has a voice anymore, not even to signal to Simmons that he has heard what she's just said, to tell her he knows she's not telling the whole truth and he's grateful for that, and not even to call Skye's name. He is afraid of calling her name in case it doesn't work. She did it for him. She said his name and he came back. _How did you do it, Skye?_ Coulson would like to ask her.

He would like to ask her a lot of things if he knew she could hear him.

He would like to ask her to not go.

(not to leave him)

He would be surprised at his own reaction if it weren't for the fact that he knows the cause of it.

He's not a sentimental man; he has lost other people before.

He's not a sentimental man but – Skye is not like other people.

This is a fucking realization or the beginning of it and Coulson would have preferred not to have it in a cold Italian cellar with the young woman bleeding out in his arms, because what he wants is the opposite of that, he's beginning to understand. Which is ironic to say the least. He would laugh if he could laugh, it is that funny. He would breathe if he could breathe. He would blink and move and probably listen to Simmons' explanation. If he could. Simmons is talking. Simmons is looking at him. Everybody is counting on him. What are his orders? The team is waiting for orders. The team is waiting for his leadership and his reassurance, his comforting the troops but he has none of that. The team is waiting. His team.

(no, not until she opens her eyes, there's no team here)

He would be surprised at his own reaction to the whole thing if it weren't so predicatable in a way.

He could laugh at the situation – not hours ago he had been chewing Ward's head off for forming attachments. _Forming attachments_ , that's what it sounds like in his mind, that's a good euphemism. He should be slapped in the face for what he said to Ward today. He had no grounds at all.

But he knows what they say about hindsight...

He feels the tips of his fingers go icy cold, his whole body go cold. There's a peculiar taste in his mouth, bitter and dry. He knows the symptons. 

He is not a weak man and yet he knows he is in shock.

He is not a religious man but perhaps praying is not entirely out of the question right now.

He doesn't know any prayer. Perhaps he should ask May if she knows any. Skye would know for sure – when she told him her real reason for joining SHIELD she volunteered the file Coulson had never been able to find, the file which no longer existed to the world, her past, the strict version of devoutness the nuns at St Agnes favored, the four times Skye tried to escape the place. No, maybe she wouldn't know any prayer after all, maybe she chose to forget them along with so many other things (which weren't in her file but which Coulson was beginning to read on her face, things for which the world should compensate Skye not pushing her with two bullets in the stomach). Coulson will have to ask her later, when she wakes up.

He puts it on the list: the list of things he has to ask Skye when she wakes up.

An ever growing list of things he needs to say.

( _don't go_ )

Because she is going to wake up.

( _don't ever do that again_ )

She is not going to die.

( _I'm sorry I didn't get to you in time_ )

She can't.

When he thinks about Skye's life – it would be too cruel, she can't die _now_. Not before she has the chance to have everything she wants. Coulson knows the world doesn't work like that; it works in cruel irony, mostly, and that would be the perfect blow to someone like Skye (and to him, but he can't think selfishly about this). The world doesn't work like that but it should. If there's one thing he's learned from Skye (and there are many things he has learned from Skye, and many left for him to learn) is that he should see the world as it _should_ be, not as it is.

He can't live in a world where Skye dies.

That's why.

He knows personally how much a bullet wound hurts. He could be sick just thinking about Skye experiencing that pain. But what is his discomfort against her struggle? This is not about him. Even if it's his fault – and he put her there and he hopes nobody thinks of contesting that truth even though he knows Skye will do exactly that, and as soon as she wakes up, and suddenly Coulson can't wait for that moment, can't wait to see her face, beloved and full of life, frowning at him, telling him he's an idiot and to get over himself and Coulson realizes he _needs_ this woman. Not that it matters, that's the point.

He's not the one lying on that chamber, fighting.

He's the one outside, watching, useless, not knowing even how to pray or call her name properly.

He can't make it personal – he would like to, he would like to tell her he can't lose her in the chances she might hear him, but she is not his to lose. This is not about the empty bits inside of him Skye has filled since she stepped into his life, the bits he didn't know were empty until she did. Now it makes sense to him, there are things only Skye can do and he knows there's a word for it.

( _I'm sorry. I didn't know._

_Did you know?_ )

He needs her but – 

It's the world, the world needs someone like Skye - no, the world needs Skye.

That's why she isn't going to die.

( _come back, come back, come back, come back, come back...come back, come back_ )

Coulson doesn't know how he knows this but inside this moment – his fingers wrapped around the edges of the chamber like a drowning man would hold on to a life vest – he knows without a doubt that Skye is not going to die.

She's not going to die.


End file.
